No?

Signs of a Super Dad: The super dad laughs in the face of snow, rain and freezing temperatures. With proper preparation, nature’s wrath is playtime.


Let me start off by saying the Pittsburgh Steelers have made it to the Super Bowl after beating the crap out of their hated rivals the Baltimore Ravens. To say the game was brutal is a gross understatement. I have never seen so many players who got knocked unconscious. People around this area are going nuts and it is awesome. I truly hope they win the Super Bowl. I will never forget in 2005 when people flooded the streets in single digit temperatures after the Steelers won the Super Bowl. We drove down the streets in a driving snow storm giving high fives to strangers. It was beautiful. So Steelers mania is my excuse for not posting lately, and not because I have been playing video games with my AWESOME new Christmas toys. Now to this week’s topic.

Do you have trouble saying no? I think many have an issue with telling friends, family and to a point even strangers no. I know I do sometimes. It is like you want to be nice because they are a friend or loved one, but in the long run you know deep inside you really should have just said no. It’s as if we worry too much about hurting another’s feelings. That by telling them no we risk harming or even ending the relationship, even though realistically that would never happen. Or even the complete stranger who asks for your help that clearly should be doing it themselves. You know they are just taking advantage of you but you do it anyways.

We stretch ourselves so thinly already, with kids, work, or school just to add further stress by agreeing to things that you clearly know is a bad idea. Some people even go as far as letting people walk all over them because they just cannot say no. Not to mention the down right evil things that occur because the inability to give a strong no! Do we fear that by saying no we are a bad person? Do we fear saying no because we do not want others to see us in a bad light?

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re selfish, callous, or evil. It’s the ability to know your limits. To know you only have so much to give and it is your responsibility to be able to set your priorities. If you spread yourself too thin you’re not only harming yourself but the others you wish to help. Being stressed out of your mind because you have too much on your plate doesn’t help anyone; it just reduces your effectiveness across the board. A person needs to be able to understand when enough is enough and not feel guilty about communicating that. This is pretty clear cut yet many of us still cannot say no. So the next question becomes why?

I think for a lot of people it’s the fear of confrontation. We rather keep our feelings bottled up inside instead of getting into an argument. We fear the uncomfortable feelings that confrontation brings. I believe this is a direct result of how our society has molded parenting techniques over the past couple of decades. Many of us are brought up in households that strive to teach us that anger is bad. That we should teach our kids not to say no and just agree with whatever we tell them. The parent is the boss and the kid needs to listen. That if the kids do not agree they will get into trouble. Being raised in such a fashion, it is no wonder many of us have problems with confrontation.

And yet, kids need to listen to their parents. Without guidelines or rules children cannot become functional adults. Kids need to know not to run into the street or pull that pan off the stove, no ifs, ands or buts. So how do we reach a happy medium? How do we teach our children to listen and yet be confidant enough to make a stand? To become an adult who can say no. Well first off, I have discussed previously my view of the importance of confidence and self-esteem, and they play a large part in being about to stand up for yourself. So that is a given. But, I think that isn’t everything. You can still have good self-esteem and fear confrontation.

I don’t really have a clear cut answer and that kind of makes me sad. I want to know the exact answer to pass onto my children and not merely speculate only finding out if you are correct at the end. But really if you think about it, isn’t it like that for everything your trying to teach them? Anyway, that is a whole post in itself. I haven’t decided how I am going to teach this to my kids. Perhaps some studying is in order. Any ideas from you readers would be helpful.

Thanks for reading.

Anarchy in the USA?

Signs of a super dad: A super dad dances with his kids every day.

Over the weekend my best friend showed up for a surprise visit. We went out to the local upscale bar. I had my water and he had an 8 dollar glass of Korsendonk(sp?) Winter Ale. (Eight dollars seems like a lot but according to my wife Korsendonk (sp?)Ale from Belgium is the best beer in the world.) Anyway, my buddy and I sat around for a couple of hours discussing a range of topics from making fun of a guy wearing pink pants to a deep philosophical discussion of the meaning of death. We don’t go out much but I always deeply enjoy it when we do.

I am bringing this up because over that night’s conversation my buddy said something extremely interesting. We were discussing how he enjoyed reading this blog and a question relating to an earlier post popped into my head. I asked him if anarchy was ever possible. His point of view is that humans want to be led. They will naturally gravitate towards some form of organized government. He came up with a simple example: Garbage collection. Think about it, how long would it take for riots to break out if garbage collection stopped across the nation? If no one did any organization to clean it up. What would happen if our garbage just started to pile up? How the burbs would go ballistic with piles of garbage laying around on their yards stinking up their houses? People would probably just start burning it; filling our cities and suburbs with black, toxic, choking smoke. Would you just bury it in the back yard? Well I don’t have a back yard. Let us not forget the diseases that would be spread if we wallowed in our own waste. It would take 6 months to a year before our country would choke to death on its own filth.

Of course this would never happen. We as a society would never let it. We would hire, appoint, and do whatever needs to be done so our garbage is taken away, but it does raise an interesting idea. How something we take for granted would destroy our civilization the moment it is gone. Roads? It’s pretty easy to see how things would shut down if we stopped taking care of roads. It would only take a winter or two before all the roads in the Northeast would be undrivable. Shipping would cease, commerce would end. Ever see the show Dirty Jobs on the Discovery channel? Just picture our society if people decided to stop doing some of those jobs. Its funny how many “little things” would bring down a civilization if they suddenly disappeared.

The things I have pointed out are easy to understand. What about the little things that aren’t so clear? Aren’t so easily seen? Twenty years ago few people believed or even knew what Global Warming was, but now it is a significant threat to our existence. Most people thought warmer temperatures were a good thing. Fifty years ago if you told someone our population would be in serious trouble because of being too fat they would have laughed in your face. Pretty pitiful eh? What seemly insignificant “thing” will we being worrying about 20 or 30 years from now? Something that now seems silly or stupid to worry about.

Things that seem just seem Science fiction. Cyborgs, for instance cyborgs. Robots that act and look human. Will we be seeing a significant population decline because of robot sex? That’s right, men and woman who don’t want to waste time on a real human and just buy their perceived perfect mate. Seems pretty silly, but is it? As virtual reality technology increase will we start seeing people forgo their real lives? Living instead inside a machine? What new disorders revolving around virtual reality will be born? It’s hard to say what the next threat to humanity is going to be. But, I am sure it will be something we didn’t see coming. I am just looking forward to chatting with my buddy over a 20 dollar beer about how they just outlawed robot sex.

Does it really mean that much to you?

Signs of a Super Dad: A super dad doesn’t drive like an idiot. He doesn’t drive at an unnecessary high rate of speed. He doesn’t tailgate. He doesn’t flash his high beams trying to get people out of the way. The super dad’s cargo is way too precious to be screwing around.

Before we begin let me warn you, this is going to be a little tirade I need to get off my chest. So if you don’t like whining stop reading now.

I play a lot of volleyball, about 3 times a week at 2 hours a pop. The reason I am bringing this up is because I need to rant about “that guy” (or girl. But, honestly I have never played with a woman who acted like this. I am sure they are out there but I just have never met one.) What “guy” you ask? The ultra competitive, win at all costs, jerk. The “guy” who plays like losing means one of his testicles is going to be torn off. The “guy” who openly cheats. And lastly, this “guy” is terrible. I mean god awful at whatever sport he is playing. This…drives…me…nuts! This ass ruins the game for everyone. Look, I am not saying there isn’t a time to be competitive. If we are playing in a league then yes, go right ahead and be a bit of a jag-off. I can understand that. But, when we are at the YMCA and playing with a bunch of old people don’t act like a jackass. Why must people behave like this?!

Everyone can be a little competitive, it is okay, but don’t start mocking people for playing poorly and play like this is the only thing you have in life. During the week, I play volleyball so I can get away from the house and kids. It is my 'me time'. I want to play, unwind, and chat with some of my buddies. I don’t want to listen to some idiot rant and rave. Not only does it annoy the hell out of me, it makes me play poorly, which in turn, makes me even angrier. Plus, this guy’s behavior is like an infection. It spreads to everyone playing and what you get is a bunch of adults acting like they are back in middle school. When a guy like this shows up all I want to do is smash a spike into his face knocking him unconscious. Instead of enjoying myself, I spend my time getting all worked up trying to shut this idiot up, which by the way, never happens. What does happen is I just get angry, not talk to anyone, and end up accidentally smashing a ball into some innocent woman’s face.

You know what else? This @#%$head is the reason people get seriously hurt. He is incredibly uncoordinated, 70lbs overweight, and throws his body around without any thought for others safety. I have torn my ankle to shreds because of being undercut at the net because of “This Guy!” I was out for a month! This happened TWICE! I have witnessed a man’s bone sticking out of his leg because some idiot just couldn’t tone it down.

Thankfully what normally happens is this guy pulls up lame after a horrible shot. Of course, he thinks that his ineptitude is directly related to an injury and not to total suckage. Then he announces his injury like we should be in awe. Is your self-esteem so pitifully low that you actually think that “pulling a hammy” makes you cool? Do you need this to supplement your life?

I am not saying don’t try, and I understand some people are very uncoordinated. I also think it is fantastic when someone is trying to get back into shape. What I am saying is don’t be a jerk. Look, if you're just naturally competitive person it’s fine to get fired up, but DO NOT mock people when they do poorly, coach people who don’t want it, and try to explain to people better then you how to play correctly. Keep your mouth shut unless it is something positive. The most enjoyment I get is playing with people who don’t care about the score. We are just hanging out, being supportive, and having fun. I also enjoy having intensely competitive league games. But you can’t mix the two. If you want to get all fired up join a league. Don’t come to a backyard game and play like it’s the Olympics.
/rant

Thanks for getting through that with me.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays everyone! Too busy to post this week. I will leave you with a heart warming article.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?section=magazine&id=3789373

Why Do We Enjoy Violence?

Signs of a Super Dad: A wife coming home to, laughter, a couch that is now a fort, and a warm dinner.


I love the NFL. I specifically love the Pittsburgh Steelers. I listen to sports radio everyday with hourly checks of the internet for Steelers updates. When they are playing, I pace the floor while screaming at the TV. I sometimes find myself huddled on the floor in the fetal position after a loss. Yes, I would consider it a borderline obsession. Why do I love a game where massively-large inhuman people bash into each other at high rates of speed? What is this obsession with such violence? Now that I think of it, why do I love movies with bullets flying and large explosions, or Kung-Fu movies with one man using his feet and fists to beat up an army? I sure am not the only one. So, what is with our societies need to watch and enjoy violence?

You can’t tell me it just a “man thing”. Look at your fiction writing. How almost every single best selling book has some form of violence in it, as well as the popularity of shows such as CSI and Heroes. What about the gladiators in ancient Rome? Take a look at Shakespeare. How so much of our fiction has this need for violence to push the plot along. Why do humans have this need for violence? I don’t know, I just think it’s an extremely interesting dichotomy. How we all agree war is terrible but we love watching it on TV. Let me explain further.

If I walked outside at this moment and started drop kicking random strangers in the face it wouldn’t be considered entertainment for those witnessing it. Survivors of war sure don’t find it entertaining. I would go as far as saying we as a people consider violence uncivilized. That people who murder or assault need to be punished by, interestingly enough, more violence. Violence in our home is frightening, and not tolerated, but violence on our TV’s is entertaining. Of course, you would agree that there is a degree of separation between watching or reading and actually experiencing. It’s like we want to get as close as possible to violence without actually fully experiencing it.

Take a leap with me. I am going to say that violence is just a component of, let us call it, the human dark side. That place where such abstract concepts as evil, the Devil, Abba reside. The things most fear and do not wish to experience first hand. We want tastes of this dark side, but if we ‘lose ourselves’ then we are considered inhuman, we even go as far as labeling them an “animal”. Is this how we distinguish between what is human and animal? Is one not human if they cannot control their dark side? You could say serial killers lose themselves to this dark side. Is he/she just a mindless animal? An animal has no conception of what it means to be violent or evil for that matter. An animal will kill for food, or protection, not for thrill. An animal has no dark side. So, I would argue, on this basis, that a serial killer is not equal to an animal. I would say this dark side is what makes us human, and also, perhaps, a beautiful manifestation of a natural occurring homeostatic system.

Restraints or rules society has constructed are meant to keep order, to keep us civilized. Without rules there is no order, no civilization. If we are free to do as we want when we want with no fear of repercussion from a governing body, then the hypothetical question becomes: if this were to happen would we all lose ourselves to our dark side? Would a gluttonous orgy of slaughter and mayhem leading to an apocalypse occur, or do we naturally side with what is ethical and right? Well if you’re an anarchist then it is the latter. Most feel the former. Can we conclude that the fear of humans giving into their dark side is the basis for government and religious dogma? That most feel without some form of societal control we would give in to the Devil/dark side and destroy ourselves. My point isn’t what would hypothetically happen, or what is even correct, but it is just an interesting quirk of the human condition. Why so many of us are interested in tasting something that could possibly destroy us. Well I will leave this question for another post. It is funny how my love for American Football leads to a discussion of the apocalypse.

You’re On The Greener Side of The Fence.

Signs of a Super Dad: A super dad will have his bad days, for he is only human, but it is what he does with those bad days that make him super.

A quick novel update. Last week I received an e-mail from a publishing company I had real hopes for. They did use my name and actual title of my book in their reply, but the reply was a no. I was pretty down about that. They are a small publishing company dealing with only books to my likely reading audience. It left me in a good funk for a couple of hours. I was able to pick myself up, but it has put a dent in my enthusiasm to keep querying. Just another wall I must crush through. Now to the topic of the week.

We have all heard the saying, “The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.” I want to slap the meaning of this quote with my own little warped philosophy. The lawn on my side of the fence is patchy brown, filled with dandelions, and toys pop up like tombstones in a forgotten graveyard. Across the fence, my neighbor’s lawn is a flawless shade of green, each blade of grass a copy of the next swaying in harmonious glory with each breath of wind. His lawn always hedged in perfect angles. His grass is greener. It will always be greener. So take your shoes off and hope over that fence. Feel the blades of grass under your naked feet? Is this perfection? Feel those feet burning? Feel the caustic chemicals keeping that unnatural green perfection melt through layers of your skin? Is this really perfection? Well, kids can play in MY yard.

The lesson of the above saying is simple but one of the greatest lessons in life is the actual implementation. Most of us live like we are trying to get some place, that we must strive to reach what you feel is a ‘perfect self’ so to say. How you reach this is different for each person. Some say becoming wealthy enough to always take care of your family, or reaching a social standard where you always have many friends, or living in Christ’s image, or achieving enlightenment, either way they are all a goal of your own version of what’s perfection. That you are not perfect compared to ‘something’ and that you must work to rectify it. I don’t like this. I feel as a society we are so driven for perfection that we don’t stop and fully enjoy what we already have.

I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with two kids. I spend most of my days in this small space. Since winter is coming, my children and I are lucky to get outside for an hour or two. The question naturally arises, “Aren’t you going nuts? Don’t you want to live in a house?” Yes, sometimes I do feel like I am going stir crazy. Living in a house would be nice, but I can’t dwell on it. I am using this example to point out: that I could be sitting here brooding over how cramped my family is, but I would be missing out on what is good about being cramped. How easily accessible everything is; how I can keep an eye on both kids sitting in one position. This isn’t just frivolous positive thinking. I just don’t want to live my life missing out on the ‘now’ thinking about what could be. We are always working towards something. Always trying to get that promotion, get that new car, get, get, get. What we don’t realize is once we do get ‘it’ then what? In a year of two my family will move into a new home. When that day comes, a whole bunch of new problems and issues will arise. Then the cycle will begin again. We will have more kids which is going to mean we need a bigger house, or maybe the house isn’t close enough to town. What’s the point with thinking like this?

There is something wrong with this frame of thought. I am not saying not to have goals or aspirations to improve one’s self. What I am saying is don’t be so tied up in what could be. If you’re always living in the future, or the past for that matter, you’re not living with what really matters, and that is what is going on now. I need to make a greater effort to think this way. Hopefully, I will live to a ripe old age and, as I lie on my death bed looking back on my life, I hope I feel like I lived a full life in the “now” instead of always wishing what could or might have been. That I didn’t miss out on what was going on waiting for what was coming up.

Thanks for reading.

Addictive Personality?

Signs of a Super Dad: A Super Dad prepares Thanksgiving dinner and its Gooood.

I was reading an article online today. Here it is:
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=950DE1DF1138F93BA25752C0A965948260

It is an article in the New York Times about Addictive Personality. Why am I bringing this up? Well, having a general interest from spending a few years working in the psychology field, I think psychological disorders are neat. The Addictive Personality is the next big thing in both the world of psychology and in the general public. To sum up, the article defines an Addictive Personality as having consistent/compulsive behavior that result in some type of “high” that as a result brings personal harm or harm to others. That there are “hard addictions”, such as drug and alcohol use, gambling, sex, and “softer addictions” such as TV watching, running, and internet porn. That people with this type of personality might get one addiction under control just to fall under the spell of another. I would argue that 90% of the population could fall under the Addictive Personality label. That an Addictive Personality is directly related to society’s ideals of what it means to be successful, not to mention a basic instinctual drive.

I know this seems like a pretty ridiculous statement, and my opinion is based completely on anecdotal evidence. But, hear me out. Let me first start with the basic instinctual drive. We have to eat. Eating gives you a “high”. Why does it? Well my view is that a thousand years ago if I would risk my life trying to kill a wooly mammoth with a stick, all the while avoiding large predatory animals with sharp pointy teeth, it better be the best tasting steak I have ever eaten. We all love good food. We all know that “high” feeling after eating something very yummy. It’s not the same as freebasing crack, but it is still a “high”. Is eating an addiction? For most of America yes. McDonalds hasn’t served billions because it is good for you. People eat it because it gives them that “high” feeling. I don’t keep eating pizza and wings for my health. Logically there is no reason to eat food that is killing you. We eat it because it feels good. This is the perfect example of an addiction, bringing harm to oneself as a result of getting that “high”. Of course, one could argue its all about moderation. That it isn’t an addiction if you’re eating moderately and not becoming overweight. This is true but how many people actually eat in moderation? If 2/3 of America could be considered overweight it is not many. http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/news/testimony/obesity07162003.htm

Now, how is an Addictive Personality directly related to the drive to become successful in our society? Addiction to ones career. The article pointed out a very interesting fact that doctors have the highest rate of opiate addiction in any group. Doctors are perfect examples of what I mean. Would you not say our society says being a doctor means you are successful? Just think how blindly dedicated a person has to be to become a doctor. The amount of pain and sacrifice they have to go through. The amount of stress they experience to obtain their standing in life, and we all know how harmful to the body stress is. The pressure they put on both themselves and their loved ones. Why would anyone go through such an ordeal? Perhaps for the “high”? That “high” feeling of accomplishment? The “high” you get from knowing you helped someone? Maybe even the “high” you get from your monetary standing compared to others? I am not a doctor, but I am pretty sure you don’t go through all that pain and anguish for no reason. They do it because something about it makes them feel good and it’s enough of a “high” feeling to keep them coming back. Is this not an addiction? How much different is this compared to other “highly successful” people. How many families are destroyed because a father or mother never sees their family because they are “addicted” to the job? I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but I would guess there are vastly greater numbers of people addict to their jobs compared to drugs.

Now, I would even go as far as to say that if you picked a random person off the street you would find out they are “addicted” to something. Think about yourself. Is their not something you do almost everyday that could be considered harmful to either yourself or your family? Doing something that causes too much stress, eating too many calories, spending too much time on the computer instead of paying attention to your kids. So what I am saying is this: there is no such thing as an Addictive Personality. We all have our addictions, some might have gotten into more serious ones, but we all still have them. Good or bad if most of the population has something it is not a disorder. Saying a human has an Addictive Personality is like diagnosing a dog with OCD because it can’t help chasing a ball. It just doesn’t make sense. Having an Addictive Personality is part of the human experience.

Thank you for reading. Tell a friend.
I have tried to enable showing comments directly under my posts. Some people are posting very insightful opinions that I hope all will read.